I decided today that I would drink the kool aid and create my own blog. In no means do I want to conform to any social pressures, but after reading a couple of my friends online entries, blogging seems like a great way to vent and keep others informed about what’s going on in your life, especially as it is tremendously difficult to email, call, or write everyone. So with this brief introduction here I go on my first one…
Being in Memphis Tennessee for the past couple of months has taught me a great deal about life and about myself. I pride myself on being independent and all, but wow when you are completely away from all familiar people and geographic landscapes, you come to realize how much you depend on the support and familiarity of others. Not to get soft but this time has truly made me appreciate all the relationships I have and I am definitely working to maintain/rebuild them. Okay enough with the sap… so another thing being in Memphis has taught me is the power of the N word….NIGGER. Wow I even feel a little disgusted as I see the word on my cpu screen. I have had several experiences here that have led me to this realization. The first and most impacting one happened very soon after I arrived here. I was at a bar called Double Deuce….please don’t ask me how that happened, that’s another story. I was at the bar as I observed a group of young white males arguing and presumably about to squabble. One of the guys had the right mind to mediate the situation and retorted… “Yall niggas is trippin, chill out man let’s just have a drink and relax.” Now as this was happening I thought to myself, wow I need to clean the wax out of my ears because, this can’t be right. This white boy didn’t really just say that. So as the situation dies down I approach this guy and asked him what happened. He responded…”Dawg this niggas was trippin but everything is cool” I guess he could see the confusion on my face, so he responded, “I don’t mean nothing by that dawg, but you know niggas be trippin and shit.” ….WOW…..no let me repeat that again WOOOOOOOW. Now as I continued to talk to this guy, who happened to go by “White Mike”, I explained to him about the power of the word he was using, especially coming from a white person. He now had the same look of confusion as I had earlier. I explained to him the history of racism in this country, especially in the south, and especially in Tennessee. It didn’t take long for me to realize he was listening to me, but he wasn’t hearing me. Even more interesting is the fact that he said that, he was raised around Black people and was permitted to use to word. Once again…WOW. I mean don’t get me wrong, I have used this word as well, and in a way felt justified to use it because I’m Black. I mean growing up in NYC, the word is used on a daily basis by African American men, women, children, etc. It’s a word we have become too comfortable with in the Black community. Honestly, all the talk about feeling empowered and switching the meaning of the word is kinda bullshit. When I use it sometimes it’s a positive way, but sometimes I don’t mean it in no nice way. Real talk. Sometimes Black people use it in the same manner as old slave masters. Only difference is now pronounced Nigga instead of Nigger, but it’s the same connotation. In a way I even felt responsible for White Mike using the word because I have said the word so much over the years that I’m sure I influenced a lot of people to think it’s okay to say it. And not just white people, either. I’m talking about Black people, Latino, Asian, pretty much people from all walks of life say the word, and think because the perceived connotation and pronunciation is different, it’s ok Well for me, its not.
Shortly after my conversation with Mike I vowed not to use the word anymore. For anyone who knows me, knows this is a difficult feat. I’m so used to saying it, it’s almost natural. It’s a disgusting habit. I’m working hard to break it. Every time I’m prompted to use it, I remember White Mike. It’s almost like a palette cleanser. I won’t front like I don’t slip up every now and again but, I feel like slowly the word is escaping my vocabulary. I even shiver a little when I hear it in music and conversation. I notice it a lot more than I ever did before also. For anyone reading this that uses the word, I’m not judging, this is just my own personal initiative. But if you get mad when you hear white people, or anyone who’s not African American say the word, just remember that there’s a chance that someone granted them “permission” to use it. And it’s like a chain because once you’ve been granted permission, you can pass it on. So don’t get mad. You didn’t necessarily give them “permission” but it’s like the butterfly affect, a chain reaction.
Whew…that was a lot for my first blog. But to end, the title of this entry signifies my struggle to stop using the N word. I love this song, but I sing the radio version of the chorus. It might sound corny to some of yall that way, but this way I know I’m not creating anymore White Mikes. …..word
